Sunday Phunnies

Observations

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep ... not screaming like all the passengers in his car." -- Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" -- Author Unknown

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Rod Stewart

"The problem with the designated driver program ... it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -- Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." -- Dave Barry

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" -- Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'" -- Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh ... I could be eating a slow learner." -- Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" -- Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." -- Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." -- Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." -- Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" -- Warren Hutcherson

"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." -- A. Whitney Brown