Sunday Phunnies

One-liners ...

I'm not tense ... just terribly, terribly alert.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that woman should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it
dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

How come you don't ever hear about "gruntled" employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why does a 24-hour-open store have locks on the doors?

If aliens are a more intelligent race, how come they abduct the stupidest people?

Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change!

If our knees bent the other way, what would chairs look like?