A Must Share

I saw this today and had to share it since I have heard these from my mom and said them to my son.

1. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"Your room looks like a tornado hit it."
2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that comes out of the car...pet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
5. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out."
6. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don't have wonderful parents like you."
7. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when we get home."
8. My mother taught me about GENEOLOGY.
"Shut that door... You think you were raised in a barn?"
9. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids... I hope they turn out just like you!"
10. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, That's why."
11. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until your spinach is gone."
12. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying. I'll give you something to cry about."

Sunday Phunnies

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.

Sunday Phunnies

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Sunday Phunnies

While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

Sunday Phunnies

At the redneck church:

1. People ask, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

2. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and then five guys and two women stand up.

3. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

4. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

5. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

6. Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".

9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

11. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

13. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?" (banjo accompaniment optional)

Sunday Phunnies

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Cover your mouth when you sneeze!


KNOCK KNOCK
WHO'S THERE
CARGOES
CARGOES WHO?
CARGOES BEEP BEEP !


Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police, come out with your hands up!!

Sunday Phunnies

Ever wonder how blondes remember their Passwords?

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, "It had to be at least 8 characters long.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a brunette walking on a railroad track saying, " 22, 22, 22, 22..."

A blonde walking near-by heard the brunette. So, the blonde asked if she could join the brunette.

The brunette said sure and together they said, " 22, 22, 22, 22.."

Later on a train comes down the track. The brunette jumps off, but the blonde is not so lucky.

So, the brunette jumps back on the track after the train is gone and says, "23, 23, 23, 23..."

Sunday Phunnies

You can say what you want about Florida , but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.
----------------------------------------------------
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
Meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
Take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier
To share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
Together.
----------------------------------------------------
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,
Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Sunday Phunnies

Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.



It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.

Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?"

Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

Sunday Phunnies

A woman walked into the kitchen to her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh, killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Sunday Phunnies

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.  However, he wrote:


1) It is perfect formula for the child.


2) It provides immunity against several diseases.


3) It is always the right temperature.


4) It is inexpensive.


5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.


6) It is always available as needed.


And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:


7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.


He got an A.

Sunday Phunnies

Why Do I Like Retirement !!!

Question:  How many days in a week? 
Answer:  6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
 
Question:  When is a retiree's bedtime? 
Answer:  Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
 
 
Question:  How many retirees to change a light bulb? 
Answer:  Only one, but it might take all day.

 
Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.
 
 
Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer:  The term comes with a 10% discount.

 
Question:  Among retirees what is considered formal attire? 
Answer:  Tied shoes.
 
Question:  Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer:  They are the only ones who have the time.  

 
Question:  What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? 
Answer:  NUTS!  
 
 
Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

 
Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch? 
Answer:   Normal.
 
 
Question:  What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer:  The never ending Coffee Break.
 
 
Question:  What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? 
Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents..

 
Question:  Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? 
Answer:  He is too polite to tell the whole truth. 

 
And, my very favourite.....
QUESTION:  What do you do all week? 
Answer:  Monday through Friday, NOTHING
.....Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was  your husband?'                                                          
'98,' she replied... 'Two years older than me' 
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. 
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
 

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.. 
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
 

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.
 

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and
start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired
for an hour But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
 

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered
over  WalMart.
'WalMart?' the preacher exclaimed.  'Why WalMart?' 
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
 

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
 

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
 

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
 

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference..
 

Sunday Phunnies

At Rope's End

A monastery was perched high upon a cliff and the only access to reach
 it was by way of riding in a basket which several monks hauled up to the
 top.

Obviously the ride over the rocky jagged terrain was steep, and in a
 wicker basket it was terrifying to all but the naively fearless.

One visitor, however, got exceedingly nervous. Roughly halfway up he saw
 that the rope by which he was being hauled was rather frayed and
 splitting. Shaking in his boots but unable to move, he frantically asked
 the monk who was seated next to him how often they changed the rope.

Thinking for a moment, the monk answered, "whenever it breaks."

Sunday Phunnies

Waiting Room Music

A woman went to the dentist's office for a checkup and some instrumental
 music was playing. She was early for her appointment, but after waiting
 ten minutes, an elderly woman sitting beside her leaned over and said,
 "isn't that just like a dentist? A waiting room jammed with people, and
 he's in there playing the piano."

Sunday Phunnies

Poor Freddy

During a performance for the high school drama class at the local
theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts
managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling
bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in
the back of the theatre shouted: "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a
stage you're going through!"

Sunday Phunnies

Talking Cow

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out
 to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is
 probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a
 farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the
 farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a
 thing about cars."

Sunday Phunnies

Who Needs Instructions

The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and
 immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children
 anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the
 directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave
 up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.

The old-timer came over, threw the directions away and in a short while
 had the set completely assembled.

"It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even
 reading instructions."

"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read and when you
 can't read, you've got to think."

Sunday Phunnies

Twenty Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long

1. You type faster than you think.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".

3. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang
 out".

4. You double click your TV remote.

5. You check your email but forget you have real mail (snail mail).

6. You have a vanity license plate with your screen name on it.

7. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
 complete sentences.

8. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls
 up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

9. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

10. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

11. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close
 to your own.

12. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at
 the same time.

13. You smile sideways.

14. You chat with an annoying person in real life and wish you had your
 ignore button handy.

15. You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.

16. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than
 a few hours.

17. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

18. You get up at 2:00 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
 instead.

19. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and
 lemme.

20. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to
 everyone online before you log off.

Sunday Phunnies

Computer Is Down

The new office computer system was down as much as it was working. Cathy
 decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had
 accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for
 speeding.
 "What a perfect end to an awful day!" she exclaimed. "Our computer is
 up, then down -- up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!"

 The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping, and he went to his car to
 prepare a citation. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her
 license and registration. As he handed them to her, he smiled and said,
 "No ticket. Our computer is down."

Sunday Phunnies

Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job while
 counting them?

If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make
 sweaters for themselves?

If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?

What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea
 when humans fly'?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor
 are they pigs?

Why don't sheep shrink like a wool sweater does when it rains?

Would a small pig be called a hamlet?